“Can I come over looking ugly?”

That’s what I asked my best friend, Dejai.

Not ugly, ugly. Not the kind that needs an apology or a warning label.

I wasn’t a biohazard, by any means.

It’s the ugly that happens when you’re struggling to take care of yourself.

Where your hair is unwashed and doing its own thing.

You’re on day three of dry shampoo.

Where a shower doesn’t feel like a daily self-care task, but a war you have to fight with yourself to accomplish.

Where you deserve a gold star for getting out of bed and getting dressed.

Where you really begin testing the promise of your “72-hour” deodorant.

I told her I would come by.

When the day came, I didn’t feel like myself.

I wasn’t falling apart. Nothing was particularly wrong. I was just… blah.

Meh.

Yuck.

Low energy. Low motivation.

Disconnected from the person I usually am.

And suddenly I found myself needing permission to be seen that way.

Because I wanted to show up for her.

I wanted to be there.

I knew I was safe with her.

But… did I have to wear a mask to be present?

Did I need to pull myself together, or were sweatpants okay?

Is it alright that I’m not at my best?

“Can I come over looking ugly?”

She said yes.

Of course she did.

I showed up.

Hair disheveled.

No bra under my t-shirt and hoodie.

Afterward, I realized that I hadn’t really been asking whether I could come over looking presentable.

I was asking whether I was still allowed to show up when I didn’t look, feel, or function like the version of myself I thought other people deserved.

Maybe sometimes self-care isn’t getting yourself together enough to be seen.

Maybe it’s trusting someone enough to let them see you when you aren’t.

Having a friend like that is one of life’s quiet blessings.

Being that friend for someone else is another.

So to you, I say this:

Come as you are.

Weak, weary, unwashed, disheveled.

I’ll meet you where you are, and you don’t have to go any further for me.

You don’t have to pretend to be fine to have my presence.

You can come over ugly, anytime.

I’ll make coffee, or we can crack a beer.

We can make a charcuterie board together, and I’ll tell you how you put the “cutie” in “charcuterie.”

Because I’m your friend.

And that’s who I am.

I will make you smile and feel welcome.

Please, come over when you’re ugly.